Today’s Daily Prompt: Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.
Potential trigger warning for anyone with eating disorders or stress-induced behaviors. I try not to get into too much detail with my “habits” in general since I have not recovered and I don’t want to get lumped in with pro-Ana or pro-Mia sites. These do get brought up some today in general terms but I know everyone has their own limit.
I have needed to write a long, meandering post about life now, but I keep getting distracted or not knowing how to start. The answers to this prompt allow me to try to keep it simple:
I should stop being jealous of my friends who are thinner or prettier than me…but it is difficult.
I should be able celebrate when friends find their dream job, meet Mr. or Ms. Right, or other milestones…but I can’t stop thinking “why not me” and that I will never have those opportunities or be happy.
I should have gotten help for my bulimia a long time ago…but I didn’t, and now recovery feels too far away or impossible depending on the day.
I should go to therapy more often…but that gets expensive and I just can’t afford it, so I lie and say I don’t really need it as much.
I should be more open with my psychiatrist about the medications we try for the depression and anxiety…but I am afraid to speak up in case the next change in dosage or new prescription doesn’t work or sends me backwards.
I should be more honest with my regular doctors about my eating disorder…but I am afraid of being laughed at or judged for being a fat bulimic.
I should be able to go to the doctor when I am sick with my asthma and not wait until I have to be hospitalized…but I know my weight will be brought up every time, even if it has nothing to do with the visit, and I can’t handle that anymore.
I should eat healthier and stop bingeing and using diet pills or diuretics to “make up” for the excess calories…but I haven’t.
I should stop bingeing to save money…but I continue to screw up my finances more and more each day just to get something, anything to slam down or offset the calories.
I should lose weight and prevent any other health issues…but I don’t want to track the calories from the binges in writing and admit they are still a part of my life.
I should be able to see eating as a normal thing to do…but I will always view it as a contest to see how little I can have or how “good” I can appear.
I should be able to go to the grocery store or out to eat without feeling like I am being judged…but how do I know that I am not?
I should be able to say “who cares” if I feel I am being stared at while at a store, restaurant or gym…but I care. Too much.
I should be able to see my self-worth beyond my size and weight…but I never have and still can’t get past “being fat is a failure” mindset for MYSELF.
I should be able to find something to like about my physical appearance, size and weight be damned…but I try, try, try and I just can’t.
I should be able to view myself like I view others, never seeing how much a person weighs as a negative trait, but appreciating personality, humor, empathy, a sense of style, creativity, gorgeous eyes or nice hair…but I only end up crying over my failure to not be thin and pretty.
I should speak up when someone tells me how pretty or hot I used to be, when I was thinner…but I don’t because I think they are right.
I should not tie my worth into my relationship status…but it feels impossible when others do, especially family.
I should stop allowing myself to be a doormat for when someone only wants to use me…but old habits die hard.
I should tell my family to “fuck off” when I am left out of things or expected to laugh at being excluded…but you aren’t supposed to say that your family members.
I should stop settling for things to keep from making waves…but it is all that I know now.
I need to be sure Matthew does not grow up to develop an unhealthy relationship with food or appearance. Or as sure as I can with the pressures of society closing in boys just as dangerously as it has been with girls. I want him to be able to keep his healthy levels of ego and self esteem. I need to see him continue to grow, blossom, mature, develop, and LIVE.
My mind and body say I should stop fighting quite often, just give into the inevitable.
And, if it were just about me, I would have given up a long time ago…but it isn’t just about me, so I won’t stop fighting.