I probably should delete this…but I won’t.
Today’s Daily Prompt: Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.
Potential trigger warning for anyone with eating disorders or stress-induced behaviors. I try not to get into too much detail with my “habits” in general since I have not recovered and I don’t want to get lumped in with pro-Ana or pro-Mia sites. These do get brought up some today in general terms but I know everyone has their own limit.
I have needed to write a long, meandering post about life now, but I keep getting distracted or not knowing how to start. The answers to this prompt allow me to try to keep it simple:
I should stop being jealous of my friends who are thinner or prettier than me…but it is difficult.
I should be able celebrate when friends find their dream job, meet Mr. or Ms. Right, or other milestones…but I can’t stop thinking “why not me” and that I will never have those opportunities or be happy.
I should have gotten help for my bulimia a long time ago…but I didn’t, and now recovery feels too far away or impossible depending on the day.
I should go to therapy more often…but that gets expensive and I just can’t afford it, so I lie and say I don’t really need it as much.
I should be more open with my psychiatrist about the medications we try for the depression and anxiety…but I am afraid to speak up in case the next change in dosage or new prescription doesn’t work or sends me backwards.
I should be more honest with my regular doctors about my eating disorder…but I am afraid of being laughed at or judged for being a fat bulimic.
I should be able to go to the doctor when I am sick with my asthma and not wait until I have to be hospitalized…but I know my weight will be brought up every time, even if it has nothing to do with the visit, and I can’t handle that anymore.
I should eat healthier and stop bingeing and using diet pills or diuretics to “make up” for the excess calories…but I haven’t.
I should stop bingeing to save money…but I continue to screw up my finances more and more each day just to get something, anything to slam down or offset the calories.
I should lose weight and prevent any other health issues…but I don’t want to track the calories from the binges in writing and admit they are still a part of my life.
I should be able to see eating as a normal thing to do…but I will always view it as a contest to see how little I can have or how “good” I can appear.
I should be able to go to the grocery store or out to eat without feeling like I am being judged…but how do I know that I am not?
I should be able to say “who cares” if I feel I am being stared at while at a store, restaurant or gym…but I care. Too much.
I should be able to see my self-worth beyond my size and weight…but I never have and still can’t get past “being fat is a failure” mindset for MYSELF.
I should be able to find something to like about my physical appearance, size and weight be damned…but I try, try, try and I just can’t.
I should be able to view myself like I view others, never seeing how much a person weighs as a negative trait, but appreciating personality, humor, empathy, a sense of style, creativity, gorgeous eyes or nice hair…but I only end up crying over my failure to not be thin and pretty.
I should speak up when someone tells me how pretty or hot I used to be, when I was thinner…but I don’t because I think they are right.
I should not tie my worth into my relationship status…but it feels impossible when others do, especially family.
I should stop allowing myself to be a doormat for when someone only wants to use me…but old habits die hard.
I should tell my family to “fuck off” when I am left out of things or expected to laugh at being excluded…but you aren’t supposed to say that your family members.
I should stop settling for things to keep from making waves…but it is all that I know now.
And yet…
I need to be sure Matthew does not grow up to develop an unhealthy relationship with food or appearance. Or as sure as I can with the pressures of society closing in boys just as dangerously as it has been with girls. I want him to be able to keep his healthy levels of ego and self esteem. I need to see him continue to grow, blossom, mature, develop, and LIVE.
My mind and body say I should stop fighting quite often, just give into the inevitable.
And, if it were just about me, I would have given up a long time ago…but it isn’t just about me, so I won’t stop fighting.
Categorised as: Daily Prompt | Diary of a Fat Bulimic
A couple of things in this struck me. First, I’m thin. Go ahead and hate me for it, everyone else does. I get made fun of when I eat a big meal and I get made fun of when I eat a salad. People make rude comments under their breath when I buy cookies and when I buy apples. It’s rotten. Absolutely rotten. I have learned it isn’t about our size, it’s about our vaginas. Simply being a woman means there is no “right size”. Society will have something awful to whisper in our ears no matter if we are small, medium, or large. Thin doesn’t make life easier. I’m on the other side of the fence here: I wonder if being fat would make life easier.
My hatred for weight only applies to me comparing myself to others, not a comment on the person I am envious of. When I was a size 4 (anorexic in HS), I am sure some of those I admired were probably not as small as me. I think I admire the ability to look healthy and be confident.
Unfortunately, I have heard similar comments made about my thinner friends before. Because “go eat a cheeseburger” is so funny and original.
Good point about this being a gender issue. Men who may be larger are more likely to be given more forgiving labels such as big boned, muscular, cuddly, teddy bears, etc. Women, for the most part, are not.
Ultimately, I just have to find a way to be happy and healthy, as defined by myself and my medical professionals. Which is so much easier said than done. Thus the fight and the blog rambling.
Thank you for the feedback!
Well, I think you are wonderful, and since all of my words seem to be failing me this morning, I’ll just say “You can do whatever you set your mind to, you aren’t alone, and we’ll all help you get there.” Plus, send some of these your way: HUGS!
Thank you
[...] I probably should delete this…but I won’t. | Sorta Ginger: Ramblings of a Quasi-Redhead [...]
[...] I probably should delete this…but I won’t. | Sorta Ginger: Ramblings of a Quasi-Redhead [...]
[...] I probably should delete this…but I won’t. | Sorta Ginger: Ramblings of a Quasi-Redhead [...]
[...] Coulda | I really just pretend to know stuff 20. Shoulda Woulda Coulda | The Nameless One 21. I probably should delete this…but I won’t. | Sorta Ginger: Ramblings of a Quasi-Redhead 22. DP: Shoulda Woulda Coulda « Life of Me and Mine 23. Shoulda, woulda, coulda … « Playing for [...]
Your honesty is inspiring, and I can tell you can’t see the end of all this yet– but I do. You have a vision, it’s a clear one, and even though there are daily struggles… you’re tough, and awesome, and you have the best reasons in the world to reach the dreams you have. Not specifically related to the post or anything else I just typed, but… I’m glad that you are you.
Thank you for this
I try not to be too much of a downer, but yesterday was perfect timing for me to get some of that out of my system. What else are blogs for?
Rawr!
[...] Sorta-Ginger [...]